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Table of Contents 

 

1. Kevin Says...
2. How do I become submissive ... ?
3. Why do I submit ... ?
4. Who is submissive ... ?
5. What is submission ... ?
6. Is it sexual ... ?
7. Who do we submit to?
8. Is it painful?
9. Where can I find more information ?
10. "New to the Scene" Commonly asked Questions...

Issues and Answers

1. Session Q and A
2. R.A.C.K vs S.S.C (added 4/23/03)
3. Chastity 
4. Male Sexuality (Must Read!!)
5. Cross Dressing   Questions Asked and Answered 
6. The Issues of a Mature Player   
7. Learning to Play Again at Sixty   
8. Anal Play
9. Yes, there is a correct way to contact a Dom/me for information... 
       How to address your request for information via email or mailing list. 
10. Online and Offline rules of Etiquette
11. Hints and Tips for Meeting
12. Sounds Advice (Urethral Insertion)
13. I keep hearing about parties...
14. Marks, Bruises, Tissue Damage (added 9/19/02)

Fun and Games

1. Forced Fem Resource Site (added 6/29/03)
2. Games by Poetrician
3. Arousal Exam by Poetrician
4. Useful ideas to Tease, Humiliate and Punish your sub with
   • Humiliation Ideas
   • Erotic Tortures
5. Cock and Ball Torture

Enema Information

I recently received an email requesting that I remove all references to anything 'bar d e x' .  I have done so. 

1. NEW FUN ENEMA EQUIPMENT!
2. Newly added Enema Q and A's.  Reader-submitted questions and answered by Kevin
3. Enema Links - Greatly expanded! New Links Added on 6/15/01
4. Enema FAQ
5. Enema FAQ Part 2
6. First Enema  - THIS DOCUMENT HAS BEEN MODIFIED AT THE REQUEST OF THE LAW FIRM OF OBLON, SPIVAK, McCLELLAND, MAIER & NEUSTADT, PC ON  BEHALF OF THEIR CLIENT,  C.R. BARD, Inc., / BCR, Inc., manufacturers of all things BARDEX. and that I am in violation of 'TRADEMARK INFRINGEMENT'. Fine. Since I didn't write the article originally,  and 
7. Enema Procedures - or Love Thine Enema

The more serious side of BDSM and D/s

1. Beginnings - written by Chris M.
2. Spirituality - written by Chris M.
3. Leather Ethics: Civility and Incivility in the Scene
4. Going Deep - Topspace, Bottomspace and SadoErotic Ecstasy 

Anal Play and how to begin

1. Training your butt
2. Male Anal Fisting ~ Kelly shares her experience with:
       Fisting Requires Finesse and Lots of Lube** Added 3/16/03

ELECTRICAL PLAY OR E-STIM

1. Uncle Abdul's Electrical Play Program as reviewed by Danette of Janus

Health and Safety Issues, Concerns and How-To's

1. How to clean and care for your instruments
2. An alternative to an autoclave for sterilization

Although I have a links page and an events section, there are sites that need to be included within the FAQ section for the simple reason that they are too important to be overlooked.

• Society of Janus 
      10 Rules for Dominants/Submissives
• Black Rose
      Presents Organizing and Operating a Leather Group

 

       

 

 

How do I become submissive ... ?

I have been asked this question many times over the years. I still continue to ask this very same question of others, both in person and in online chat rooms. For some of us, the discovery comes late in life.   For others, we've known that we are "different" from childhood. 

Many of us felt the need or at least a very strong interest very early in our lives.  How many times did you volunteer to be the "Indian" in Cowboys and Indians game?  How many times were you the "bad child" when you played house?  Do you remember contriving a way to be the one that was either spanked or tied up? 

It dawned on me when I was seven years old, and was watching a movie: "Hercules vs. The Amazons", or some such fare. The theme was women riding roughshod over men other women. (Although Hercules ultimately did triumph)

I watched as the women controlled the men and even beat their captives occasionally. I felt as though someone had reached into my brain and pushed a button. Perhaps I will never have concrete rational reason, but "This is waaaay cool!" pretty much describes my response to that movie.  And it remains the same to this day.

How do we become "submissive"?   Submission isn't a club.  You don't join the "brotherhood of " on a whim.  It's something that is very integral to our very beings. 

How we get there varies between individuals. The catalyst can be something  as simple as a gesture, a phrase, or a look from a dominant female. For others, something more complex is required in order to explore this more thoroughly.  Role-playing offers a "comfortable" means of exploring this side of our personality.

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Who do we submit to ...?

If your natural tendency is as a submissive individual, almost any strong personality will overwhelm us. I will admit when I have not had a "fix" of submission, I have to make a very conscious effort to avoid being bowled over by dominant personalities. Even in the most vanilla settings.

Any strong dominant personality can offer us the type of exchange that we seek.  Personally, I prefer the female of the species, but that’s just my preference.  I looked for and need something beyond just D/S in a relationship. It had to be at least a "friends who play together" situation.

When I first became active I patronized and played with Professional Dommes. Partly due to my personal situation at the time, and my initial shyness.

Those were rewarding experiences, and aided my growth and understanding of my needs and the scene itself. I credit one Lady in particular for opening my eyes to the fact that D/S) did not have to stay a fantasy. A doubt that had nagged at my mind for years. She showed me that there are countless others like me, or similar to me, out there! Eventually I desired more than to scene, and then go home. I NEEDED D/s in my life. I needed  more than an arm swinging a whip or a booted foot in front of my face to worship. There has to be (IMHO) some level of friendship involved.   I do not feel that I am unique in this aspect.  We all need and want to be liked and respected for the human beings that we are.  We are first and foremost, men and women; not Submissives and Dommes. 

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Why do I submit ... ?

Submitting to a dominant female allows me to drop my "maleness" at the door and become a sometimes fragile human being.

The daily stress of my professional life can become overwhelming at times. I have to make decisions that affect others; some positive, often times,  negatively . As a heterosexual male, I am expected to wear a persona of "masculinity".

Submission, by and large is considered by many a weakness. In my opinion, submission is not a symbol of weakness, but rather one of strength.   It takes almost inhuman strength to let go of the pain and the humiliation and anger and all the other emotions that we face every single day of our lives.  My release oftentimes comes in the form of tears. Remember, we are raised as children to believe that tears were for "sissies"  and were not allowed to shed tears.  One of the reasons that  I submit is  to surrender to my need to cry. To shed tears that would otherwise be considered "unmanly". My Mistress calls them her "gift".

Submission does not mean I have a low opinion of myself.  It does not mean I crave humiliation or embarrassment at the hands of every person, or dominant female I cross paths with. What it does mean though, is that I am free to "let go" of the daily stresses where I am in charge.   Where I am in control.  I can safely let another guide me while soaring within "subspace".

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Who is a submissive ... ?

Submissives come in all shapes and sizes, from all walks of life.  From blue collar workers to professionals; Computer geeks and tradesmen.  The entire spectrum is covered.  Personally, I have yet to notice any one group producing more male submissives over another.  Do not be dismayed if in your day-to-day life you are a dominant individual.    

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What is a submissive ... ?

Websters Dictionary defines "submitting" as 1 :to commit to the discretion or decision of another or of others  2 :YIELD, SURRENDER

A submissive is an individual that "chooses" to place his or her control into the hands of a dominant personality. To yield or surrender his or her own choices to another person.  We seek out these types of individuals because we need validation of some kind.  Can you imagine standing in front of a mirror and playing both roles?   Impossible.

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Is it sexual ... ?

Sometimes, it is.   It's almost always sexual in nature, although not always sensual.  We use sex as the "excuse" to submit.  I admit it can be very erotic.  Especially if Mistress wants to exert "sexual control" over me. It's very powerful to have my orgasms controlled by her.  To have to ask for permission to obtain release is very demeaning and yet exciting.

For many,  the mere fact that a woman is going to take control translates into something sexual. The sexual arena  typically ruled by the Males of our species now becomes the place of power for the female.  The female, once thought of as the "weaker sex" becomes the stronger of the two. A mutual exchange of power takes place.  By taking submission into this arena, lends a new type of power to the "weaker sex".  Our maleness becomes her tool in which to exert her own special brand of "control" over us.   Our masculinity is oftentimes   mocked. We are "forced" to wear female clothing.  What can be more submissive than to wear a garter belt and stockings?  There are few boundaries that can be crossed with greater impunity than the bedroom. 

The dominant female recognizes and uses this place as her pedestal in which to stand above us.  It is from this vantage point that she can begin to exert her control over us.  We give this to her willingly. To be taken to a realm that ordinarily would be forbidden.  There is a price for this.  She demands pleasure. What form does this "pleasure" take?  It can be anything from a simple foot rub to kneeling in a corner, in silence.  Anything that can reduce us to the subservient male that She desires will bring her pleasure and allow us release and freedom.   Submission like sex, shares one commonality.  Exposure.  You're revealing a lot about yourself by the mere act of submitting. 

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Is it painful ...?

My Mistress calls it "sensation play". I am a pain pup. That is to say, that I am an avowed Masochist. In my early days, I thought I was a pervert because I wanted "pain". I needed pain. I told myself that I must be a bad person because of this and should be punished. Punishment allows us to embrace our masochism in a more "justified" manner. We take on the "I'm a bad person" and need to be punished persona in order to get what we want and sometimes need. For others, receiving pain is the means needed to become submissive. It does not always involve receiving pain (though personally, I am more than a bit of a pain pup). It varies with the individual. I will not attempt to explain the rationale behind my needing pain. Some experts would ascribe it to an "endorphin addiction". For me, it's a ride on the wild side; I soar and fly in my own freedom of self. I know that my Mistress will guide me through this journey and bring me back to earth, safe and sound; happy and whole once more. The basic thing is to acknowledge the need within and act accordingly.

In all things, caution and moderation should be the rule of the day.  Experiment with sensations.  Don't be afraid to say "NO" to something that scares you.  Set limits and boundaries.   Identify which boundaries are non-negotiable and which limits are expandable.

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Where can I find more information ... ?

The following is a list of books available, both online and in some of the larger book stores. These books can help answer some of your questions regarding the psychology of why we do what we do. Most of the books listed here can be purchased online at qualitysm.com

Almost all of these books are available online at www.qualitysm.com or amazon.com

SM:101   by Jay Wiseman; Greenery Press ISBN# 0-9639763-8-9

Sensous Magic  by Pat Califa.  

The Bottoming Book: How To Get Terrible Things Done To you By Wonderful People; Easton 

Consensual Sadomasochism: How to talk about it and how to do it safely; by  William Henkins, Daedalus published in 1996

Erotic Power: An Exploration of Dominance and Submission;  ISBN # 0-8065-0968-6  

S & M: Studies in Domminance & Submission; ISBN # 0-87985-978-X

The following are just pretty good books... for different reading... humor, information, etc.

Miss Abernathy's concise slave training manual ; San Francisco, Greenery Press, 1996 ISBN # 0-9639763-9-7

Erotic Tales of Women's Power....By Her Subdued......(and) No Other Attributes; Rhinocereos, c1995 

Submissions;  New York Masquerade Books Rhinoceros publishing ISBN # 1-56333-207-8 

Different Loving: An Exploration of the World of Sexual Dominance & Submission;  NY Random House, 1993 ISBN # 0-679-40873-8

Different Loving: The World of Sexual Dominance & Submission; NY Random House, 1993 ISBN # 0-679-76956-0 

Mistress Mine  Masquerade NY 1993 ISBN # 1-56333-109-8 

Masochism;  Zone Books 1991 ISBN # 0-942299-55-8

Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism; Mystic Rose Books, 1995 ISBN # 0-9645960-0-8 

Venus in Furs; NY Blasts Books 1989 ISBN # 0-922233-01-2

The Sexually Dominant Woman: A Workbook for Nervous Beginners by Lady Green; Greenery Press Lady Green describes how to do an SM Scene in a simple step-by-step way.  For someone who's very nervous about trying SM, this is the most non-intimidating book that we've seen.    It has sections on sensations, playing with roles, and helplessness.   

Getting Her Interested by Lorelei; A practical guide for the submissive man who wants to encourage his partner to develop her dominant side.  How can you first introduce the subject? What should you avoid saying or doing?  Lorelei includes guidelines for your first scene. 

S&M: A Players Handbook by Lady Tanith A guide for novices, with sections on starting to play, toys & techniques, and finding a partner.  

Mistress Littlestar has become a Keen Advisor and is available via telephone. Sometimes, Kevin is also available to answer your questions about BDSM and the like.  Click here for more information about contacting us personally.

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"New to the Scene" Commonly asked Questions...

A visitor to the site generated the following questions. Please keep in mind, I answer them based on my personal experience and those of my friends in the scene, not any medical or psychological qualifications. 

• What if while in a bondage session I cum? Does that end the session? Is that expected or allowed?

Typically, a submissive will not be allowed orgasm until the end of a scene, if at all. As orgasm is somewhat of a peak experience, "where do you go from there"? Occasionally a Domme will allow it to occur early in the scene so the submissive can focus on the more esoteric facets of the scene, if he is very distracted by sexual tension. But this is very rarely done. 

This is an area that can be negotiated, as always TALK to your partner!   

• Is CBT safe for a beginner? What does CBT involve? Any risks of damage?

Cock and Ball Torture... This is a very wide-ranging question, as CBT can be done many different ways; bondage, stretching, clips and clamps, and waxing, to name just a few.   CBT can be done quite safely. When it comes up for negotiation, a couple of questions come immediately to my mind. What is the experience level of my partner? Have I done this activity before, and what were my reactions to it? I share these with my partner. We combine experience and desires to arrive at a mutually satisfying experience. As an experienced masochist, more than a few times I have "talked" a novice Domme through one or more of these activities.

As a beginner, you should seek out an experienced Domme. If you are in an exclusive relationship with a novice Domme, the two of you should find a mentor, who can help you in real time. Please note this advice also applies to experienced folks looking to move up to new levels of CBT activity.

Risks of damage? I won't mince words, yes! This is a contact sport, which is why I stress knowing the experience levels of your partner, and sharing yours. Start slow and easy perhaps with some cock and ball bondage. Cord or a scarf works well to separate the balls, and wrap around the shaft of the cock. Then perhaps add some VERY light weights, just 3 or 4 ounces (fishing weights are great for this)!

For heavier weights, invest in a parachute. This is a device designed to distribute the weight evenly over the scrotum, thus preventing damage when used correctly.

Injuries can be anything from bursting or pinching the tiny and not so tiny blood vessels in the penis and scrotum, to a "torsion" (twisting of the testicle inside the scrotum).   Remember, It is easy to progress to tighter bondage and heavier weights, not so easy to back down if the submissive is writhing on the floor in real agony, or on the way to the emergency room.

• Does any of the session activities leave marks? Don't want to go to work with welts or cuff marks..

Marks can be a part of the scene, but a negotiated part! Myself, I enjoy carrying marks afterwards, I find myself explaining that "I fell down" or "backed into something" a lot at the gym or during the summer.

Others do not, or can not, for various reasons. A beginning submissive should be tested and watched for "markability" as a rule, but especially if he (or she) can not be marked. How fast does the skin redden? Is the slapper leaving definite outlines on those butt cheeks? Is the light warm-up flogger leaving bright, "angry" looking" streaks? A responsible Dominant, when playing with someone who can not be marked, will stop the offending activity immediately, if they see a mark occur.    Repeated, frequent marking can also result in something popularly known as a "leather" ass or back. This does not apply so much to the actual texture of the skin (though in some cases it does), but a high resistance to marking being developed. Leather ass is thought to be the result of trauma (bruise) infliction on top of a previous trauma without allowing the body to heal.

A couple of words of caution: If you do not wish to be marked, do NOT take aspirin before or immediately after a scene. The same phenomena (thinning of the blood) that leads to aspirin helping to prevent heat attacks also promotes bruising! Taking folic acid before a scene may help prevent bruising, and will promote healing and regeneration of the body afterwards. And depending on the individual being impacted, and the toy being used, a surprisingly light impact can cause marks.

• What kind of role play can take place...nurse scene, school boy/teacher, age play?

Yes! Role play is a wide open arena with two qualifications.   One: It may contain huge mental "land mines". 

For example, age play is probably something to be avoided if one of the participants was molested as a child, especially for beginners. 

Two: A role that is attractive to one person, may not be so to another, for relatively innocuous reasons.

For example, a woman with ticklish feet may not allow foot worship!

I will repeat my ongoing theme here: TALK honestly with your play partner (or any prospective partners)!

• Fetish Play; is stuff like enemas a possibility? Or being mummified or being dressed or diapered possible?

Again, a resounding yes!  And again, with a qualification.

Dominants have their own limits also.  Not all Dommes will give you an enema, or mummify you for that matter. (And mummification is something that should probably wait until you have at least a couple of scenes, with lots of bondage involved, under your belt, by the way). 

It's probably getting old, but this is where and how NEGOTIATION comes into play. For example:

Domme A wants to play with submissive B. Submissive B wants to play with Domme A.   But submissive B needs an enema as part of his scene. Domme A does not give enemas.

In negotiation, Domme A agrees to "send" submissive B to the bathroom at the appropriate point in the scene, to give him self an enema.

That is how both parties can enjoy a scene, even if they are not into exactly the same things.  More importantly, personal needs can be met.

• Do you have any special bondage equipment such as spreader bars, spanking horse, fetish clothing?

Mistress and I have some specialized gear that we have bought, and other things we have made. It is also surprising to many first-timers, how many common household items are quite easily "pervertable" for use in a scene. You will not see a spanking horse in our living room just yet, but beware of that armless chair in the corner.

The same goes for many of our friends, too!

• On your first experience, are there any pointers or tips to remember...to make it go more smoothly? I expect to be pretty nervous the first time.

Well.  Perhaps you can guess? Talk and negotiate! These are the biggest steps you can take to help the scene go smoothly.

Nervousness is rather common. An experienced Dominant will find ways to help set you at ease.

DO NOT use drugs or alcohol to "take the edge off".  You will need to be in full possession of your faculties. And intoxication is grounds for cancellation of a scene for most folks.

• Is there anything a newcomer or novice should do before his first session to be ready? Anything to bring or wear? (Aside from anal toys if he wants that type of play )

If you have favorite toys or fetish wear, the Domme will probably welcome you bringing them, just ask. I myself possess a fair collection of toys, centering on the things I personally enjoy the most, and they tend to travel with me to parties and such.

Having personal intimate toys and condoms is a great idea for a couple of reasons.    You are used to them; You know where they have been used previously;   And the Dominant will know there are no allergic possibilities!  These precautions can do wonders for setting everybody's' mind at ease.

• Is confidentiality always respected?

With Mistress, it most definitely is!  And in my own previous experiences, yes.   Personally I do not know of anyone being "outed" in the local scene.   And that experience spans almost 13 years now.  Confidentiality is one of the keystones of this thing we do. Those with loose lips will soon find they have few play partners.

Thank you for reading my ideas and thoughts about Male Submission.   Please feel free to contact me if you have any questions.  This page will change from time to time.  Be sure to bookmark it.  Or you can sign up for the auto-notification email service.

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Kevin says...

My partner, lover and friend, Mistress LittleStar asked me to put this Frequently Asked Question (FAQ) list together.  

Our hope is that it will answer some of the questions of the "New and Nervous" and perhaps for some of the folks that have been around the scene for a while.  

I guess you could say I have done my own "field research" over the past twelve or thirteen years. This list is based primarily on my own observations, experiences, some very limited reading, discussions with friends and the answers I have given to questions asked of me over the years.

These are my thoughts and opinions, not the gospel word. I hope that by sharing them I answer some of your questions, no matter what gender or which side of the Dominant/Submissive fence you reside on.

If you have comments, suggestions and opinions, we welcome them.   Please send them to us.

 

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