Note: The following FAQ was created by Domina Dear. I blatantly stole it from her site. There is no point in me trying to reinvent the wheel when it's already been mastered to perfection. Don't worry. I have her permission to do so!! Domina is a good friend of mine in real life and we can often times be seen together doing wonderfully nasty and devious stuff to submissives. Now, be good fans of this website and go visit hers. (After you finish this of course!!) Oh and while you're at it... buy something from her too. She is THE FrugalDomme!
Table of Contents
- Entering an Online Room (Subs)
- Entering an Online Room (Dom(me)s)
- Manners for Online, AOL Especially
- Advice to Novice Dominants
- Submissive Bill of Rights
ENTERING AN ONLINE ROOM (Subs)
When you enter on line chat rooms, don't kneel, lower your eyes, or greet ONLY the femme dommes in the rooms. (Yes, guysubs, I'm talking to YOU) The only people you impress are those who have been on line dominants for less than an hour or the chudwah femme dommes who got their idea of D/s from internet fantasy fodder. Real life dommes are much more impressed to find out that you have a brain, can hold a polite conversation, and have a few manners. The other half of this is "Don't kiss my butt unless I TELL you to kiss it." Not everyone wants their hinder parts puckered on. Think about it. There are probably 10 guysubs for every female domme. Sucking up is easy, making yourself interesting is a challenge.
Don't offer to submit to the first domme who speaks to you. Even if you are the kind of person who meets someone in a bar and wakes up married the next day, try to demonstrate a tad more discretion in choosing someone who will expect actual obedience from you, and may want to hurt you for fun. Even a cyber relationship needs some mutual ground for understanding. If you expect it to shift into real time, for heaven's sake, try to find someone who has more to offer you than just D/s. D/s is fun, D/s is good, but D/s is also not all there is in life. Remember, this is not an interactive sex program. There are real people on the other side of that screen. Think about whether you would like this person if you had to
actually be WITH them.
Also, don't submit, even in cyber unless you actually mean it. Just sending email and doing hot chat does not make you a sub. Submission is just that. Submission to the will of another. A lot of cyber relationships are just as important as real life to the people involved and they take them just as seriously. If this is just a cyber game to you, be sure your partner feels the same way.
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ENTERING AN ONLINE ROOM (Dom(me)s)Entering an on line chat room and announcing "On your knees!" is a dead giveaway that you are an amateur. You might impress the dazed and the desperate, but real time dominants and submissives will laugh at you. Establishing a presence as an intelligent, dominant person will go far to bring you to the attention of the intelligent, PICKY subs as a dom(me) worth having. Real power shows itself in politeness and good manners.
Don't lead subs on to submit to you if you are just sub collecting for the heck of it, or if you have no intention of actually taking care of this person's well being. Domming someone is a lot more than dressing in black and beating the snot out of someone. You are responsible to NOT HURT this person in any non- consensual or actually damaging way. Even cyber only relationships require a lot of thought, caring, and know how. Don't think that sending a woman to work without a bra or making a guy wear panties under his suit is all you have to do to be a cyber dom(me). Remember, these are real people on the other side of the screen; not toys, computer simulations or graphics. Taking power includes taking responsibility. This means being there when something goes wrong. And something will eventually go wrong.
I you are treating this like a game, be VERY sure your playmate KNOWS it's a game. A lot of people take cyber VERY seriously.
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Manners for Online, AOL EspeciallyHere are just some ideas and suggestions .. you can take or leave them.. thats up to you... these are NOT rules.. just some helpful hints ok!
1) You might want to read a Dommes profile before addressing her in the room most of them specify what they'd like to be called.. if they dont I suggest defaulting to Ms (Screenname) or Ma'am. Many of us don't like being called Mistress by people not our collared subs.
2) Few Dommes will talk to someone without a profile.. they are important... and a quality profile.. one you've taken time on.. is also important.. while spelling errors.. aren't as critical in the room chat... spelling errors in a profile.. is a no-no - think of a profile as a resume..
3) Be patient.... its a major turn off when a guy comes in saying I want to serve! I mean... who'd want a sub who'd want just anyone.. take the time to get to know the Dommes... chat in the room ..greet people... ask questions....
4) Should you attain the attention of a Domme.. the key thing is to be VERY attentive..!! Ignore all else but her .. as long as she is continuing the conversation.
5) The Dommes have had it up to ----> HERE .. with subs putting down, criticizing, and telling other subs what to do! >.. I recommend not doing it at all but if you must you should do it as politely or gently as possible. or in IMs.. as it just makes you look petty .. and jealous.. etc.. if you don't..
6) Please, please, please IGNORE.. the idiots who say really rude things in the room. they are JUST looking for attention .. why give them what they want??? Put these people on Ignore and talk about something else.
7) It might seem like a small thing.. but its a respect thing.. you should always capitalize Domme, Mistress...Madam...Ma'am....our names...ok? :)
8) Most of the Dommes require you to ask permission IN the room before IMing them please dont take it personally if they say no.. they are probably just really busy with alot of IMs .. or tired of IMs and wishing to chat in the room.
9) Tho what you do is of course up to you.. I think you should take the time to get to know a Domme before becoming her sub .. even if its just an online thing! Who wants a sub who'd want just anyone? :)) This is a room for real people, and it would be very strange if you had compatible kinks and personalities with every domme in the room. Conversely, any domme who wants to play with you now (real or cyber) and is not taking the time to get to know YOU should be suspect.
10) How to handle a Mistress giving you orders who isn't your Mistress.. .and you don't wish to follow them... My recommendation.. is to say something to the effect of With all due respect, Mistress So and So, I am submissive only to the one I've gotten to know and decided to submit to.. (or something like that...something gentle) you don't EVER have to submit to anyone... except YOUR Mistress but you should always treat a Domme with respect. People who are rudely giving you commands online are probably not real life Dommes, anyway. Real life dommes expect you to NOT follow orders from anyone you have not agreed to submit to.
11) Its really unfortunate.. but there are a lot more submissive males then females online.. but there aren't that many more quality submissive males then Domme females if you are a quality sub... then be sure and stand out! WIth your chat and profile. Don't do the cyber kneeling, serving coffee, rubbing feet and other silly crap. In this room, we don't go for that. Take the time to demonstrate how intelligent and witty you are.
12) Being new... hey we were ALL new once.. its nothing to be ashamed of its unfortunate that many .. forget they were new once.. and look down upon newbies.. I'm sorry for that.. and please remember when you are experienced that you were new once. The regulars in Real Submissive Men or RT Submissive Men will take the time to answer sincere questions. DON'T ask questions like, "What do you do with your sub?" or "What would you do to me if I were your sub." We don't do fantasy fodder.
13) Dont hesitate to ask questions! Its great to get the room going! :) And its a learning experience..
14) Some subs here really stand out...if you notice a sub who has the respect of the Dommes, sure envy him.. but also watch him and learn from him! :)
15) One of my WORST Pet peeves, is people who "name names" in the room.. IE who they are IMing with.. who they've done cyber/phone or real with.. I wouldn't even CONSIDER ..getting too personal with someone who'd do that. Technically, if someone is at a party, you can only discuss their attendance with others who were at the same party unless you have their permission. A certain domme wanna be and her sub recently threatened to sue over it here, so be warned. While the consensus is that they would not have done so if the attention had been favorable instead of pointing up the woman's ineptitude, still, who needs the hassle? Better to be safe than sorry.
16) If you were to walk into a crowded bar where everyone was busy talking...and went and sat in a corner and meekly said hi nobody would notice you the same applies here don't just say Hello all.... greet people individually Hello, Rose! Hi Ms. Lorien.
17) Being worthy... I know everyone has their kinks.. but.. I am a little confused by the subs who come in saying they are not worthy... if your not worthy why would a Domme want you..?? Perhaps you should do whatever it takes to make yourself worthy! :)
18) Some people seem to think that being a sub male means being a "wussy" but I can tell you from first hand experience .. that most submissive men are very MUCH Men.. they just know what they like.. which is to please their Mistress in EVERY Way possible (within their limits)
19)Don't ask permission to leave a room or enter a room unless a domme who owns you is IN the room. Cyber is time consuming, boring, and usually silly. Don't tell us you are kneeling, have your head bowed, etc. We don't CARE. We do this real time, not in cyber.
20) Honesty is VERY important online, if your married ADMIT it... there are alot of other married folks online looking for something non-committal Just be open and honest.. its the best thing to do
21) Manners are of the utmost importance... you ARE being watched by the Dommes... and though they are forgiving.. not forever! This document was added to and adapted from one that Ms. Rose32 drew up for the Submissive Men Room. If you want to do cyber, they do scene in there. But the same strictures apply there as here. Domina
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ADVICE TO NOVICE DOMINANTS
(Borrowed From a Washington Sexuality University Faq)
(note from Domina: The spellings here, "hir" "sie" etc. are unisex conventions. These indicate that it applies to either gender. These are deliberate, they are not misspellings.)
There are as many ways to do D/S as there are people, so you really need to know what your partner wants, doesn't want, is comfortable with, is afraid of, and so forth. A lot of submissives will have great trouble telling you what they want. For some of them, this is because they don't really KNOW what they want. Or, perhaps, they know how they want to feel, but they aren't sure what it is that will make them feel that way. Other submissives do have at least some idea of what they want, but they're too embarrassed to be able to tell you directly. And some submissives know what they want but feel as if it spoils things if they have to ask for it -- they want the impetus for the scene to come from you, and if they ask for something, then it's as if _they're_ controlling the scene, when what they want is for _you_ to control it. And of course, more than one of these can occur at once. A person can know only what it is sie wants to feel AND be too embarrassed to talk about it AND feel as if it gives hir too much control over things if sie tells you.
There are a couple of ways around these problems, but they all take a bit of work on the dom's part. For the sub who isn't all that sure what sie wants, you get hir to describe how sie wishes to feel. You ask hir what things in hir past have gotten hir to feel this way, even if it's only a small and mild version of what sie really wants. And of course you also use your knowledge of your partner to guess at what you suspect would make hir feel what sie wants. You get hir to tell you what sie fantasizes about (bearing in mind that fantasies are often more intense than anything a person would like to do in real life).
And you experiment. A scene doesn't have to last for hours. In the early stages, when you're just figuring out what works for both of you, you can try something for five minutes. (But just because the scene is short doesn't mean that you take it less seriously. You have to make these mini-scenes as real as your usual ones, or they won't work as a testing ground. Put your all into them, just keep 'em short.) Say you suspect that your submissive would enjoy wearing a collar. You put one on hir, do a few things with it, then take it off and ask hir how sie felt about it. If you and sie both liked it, you can always do it again for longer. But these mini-scenes let you try out things in the knowledge for BOTH of you that if you hate it, it only lasts for a short time -- this takes some of the pressure off. (When an ex-lover and I seemed to be moving in the direction of no-safeword scenes, I bought an egg timer. The idea was that he would have no safeword for the length of time it took the sands to run down. Three minutes is not very long, objectively speaking. But it can be a _very_ long time to someone who's never played without a safeword before and who realizes that this time there's no way out. I wasn't going to do a full-length no-safeword scene until after I'd seen how he handled the egg-timer version.)
For the sub who has at least some knowledge of what sie wants but who is too embarrassed to tell you what it is, there are a couple of routes to go. You can ask hir to write it down and give it to you, since a lot of people can write things that they cannot say. You can also try dominating it out of hir -- try winding your hand in hir hair, pulling hir head into a position that lets you stare into hir eyes, and demanding that sie tell you what you want to know right now. Or you can threaten some sort of physical punishment unless sie divulges the information (only with hir permission, of course. The punishment isn't really intended to be a motivator -- it's intended to be a way for the sub to save face with hirself. Sie can tell hirself that it's not greedy or forward or too bold or whatever to tell you what you want to know because you're _making_ hir tell you). Sometimes just letting hir tell you in the dark, when you're snuggled up with your arms around hir will be enough.
The sub who doesn't want to tell you anything because sie thinks that means that sie's controlling the scene or that sie's forcing you into something you don't really want tends to be a somewhat harder case, but there are a few things you can try. You can tell hir that you aren't promising to do any of the things that sie asks for -- you're just asking because as the dom, you have the right to ask any damned thing you please and to get an answer. "Since you are my property, the contents of your mind are also my property, and you will give them to me when I ask" is something I tell my submissive. You can tell hir that you want the information for your own selfish pleasure -- "Making you be submissive in a way that's good for you is likely to be more fun for me than making you be submissive in a way that's bad for you, because the second way makes me work harder for less return. So give me what I need to know to get what I want."
Oh, yes, and a type I forgot to mention. Some submissives think that no one _really_ wants to dominate them, that you're just humoring them, and leaving you to your own devices is sort of a test. It's as if they're saying, "If you really want this, you'll figure it out on your own." My own submissive had a touch of this, so I just jumped in and started ordering him around, and once he was assured that I wanted it, too, his fantasies started pouring out.
Once you start getting information out of the person, there are a bunch of things you need to know.
1. You know sie's interested in D/S, but what kind?
a. Does sie want to do D/S for a short time in bed and be equal out of scene, or is sie after a full-time D/S relationship?
b. Does sie want this to be you and hir, or does sie want the two of you to assume some sort of fantasy roles, like teacher/student or parent/child or jailer/prisoner?
c. Does sie want to be treated as a valuable submissive, or does sie crave humiliation?
d. Does sie go for lots of symbols, like kneeling at your feet, wearing a collar, and so forth?
e. Are there things that sie likes to be made to say? Some subs like being made to say things like "I am yours, Mistress" or "Please use me for your pleasure, Sir," whereas others find this sort of thing too flowery and prefer sharper exchanges and still others get nonverbal when in scene and find speech annoying. (I'm reminded of a woman who told me that she could never bring herself to call a man "Master," because the word always made her think of Igor saying "Yesss, Massster," and she would start laughing. It wasn't that she was disrespectful -- she had no trouble with "Sir" or "My Lord," but "Master" made her crack up.)
f. What sorts of things would sie like _you_ to say? Some submissives like being called names by their dominants, some like hearing that they are slaves or that they are owned, others like being told about the various unspeakable things that are about to happen to them, others like hearing an explicit list of rules and expectations, others like hearing that their dominant enjoys what sie's doing -- there's a really long list of different things that turn different people on, and I can't cover it all. (For example, my submissive loves hearing the words "You're my slave." Very simple sentence, but it does something to him. He also loves hearing, when I hurt him, "I need this, and I want you to bear it as a gift to me." To show you how different even very similar people can be, I would hate being told "You're my slave" but I would love being told "I need this, and I want you to bear it as a gift to me." (To make it even more complicated, I have no trouble with "You're mine;" it's the word "slave" that I can't stomach.) Getting a feel for what sort of thing underlies your submissive's submissive desires will help you get a feel for what sorts of things sie likes to hear.)
g. The above point leads in to what is the subtlest sort of distinction to make but the one that will be the most useful. Once you've gotten the answers to the above sorts of questions, you might be able to abstract some sort of general theme that guides your submissive's desires and fantasy life. Some submissives have the "I'm worthless, and I deserve to be punished" mindset, some have a "I don't want to have to take any responsibility, so I want you to control everything" mindset, some have a "I want to be so desirable that you have to take complete control of me" mindset or the "I want us to blend into one person" mindset or the "I want to prove I love you by doing difficult things" mindset or any number of others. Once you've talked and played for a while, you might get an intuitive feel for this. It may be something that your submissive can tell you, but it may not be -- sie may not have thought about it or analyzed it to this extent. But if you _can_ figure out what sort of mindset underlies your partner's submission, it makes doing new things and guiding your future play a lot easier. You'll know what new things are likely to work and what won't because you'll understand the underlying motivations.
2. What sorts of things does sie like besides D/S? a. Is bondage okay? If so, how much and what kind? b. Is pain okay? If so, how much and what kind?
Okay. So now you know what your submissive wants. You also have to figure out what YOU want. It's easy, when you're first starting out and trying to figure out how to be a dom, to imagine some stereotypical stern, sneering dominant and try to emulate that image. But not all of us are cut out to fit that mold, and luckily for us, not all submissives _like_ dominants who fit that mold. You need to find _your_ personal style. The best style for you is not the one that's the closest to the stereotype, it's the one that makes your eyes light up and your energy rise and makes you feel that THIS is the alivest you've felt in a long time. Personally, I'm a pretty gentle dominant as far as manner goes, but manner can be deceiving. One of the things I like to do is to force my submissive to do things that he wants to do but is too frightened to do -- the "You are so much mine that I can make you do something that terrifies you" feeling is quite a rush for me, but I know I can let myself give in to that feeling because I'm making him do something that he secretly wants. I also like mental stripping -- making my slave be mentally and emotionally naked with me -- he must tell me anything I want to know about him. Oh, and making him scream is fun, too. :-)
Of course, your style will be influenced by your submissive's style. The sort of submissive who wants to be forced into submission will elicit a different response from you than the sort of submissive who wants to lay hir submission at your feet like a present. And of course, some submissives can do one thing at one time and the other thing at another time. Just to keep you on your toes. :-)
Don't worry if it feels sort of strange in the beginning. When I first started dominating my slave, I would look at my face in the mirror and chuckle and say, "This is NOT the face of the sort of person who owns a man." But that "WHO? Sweet little me?" feeling wore off after a while. That "I'm not cut out for this. I don't know what I'm doing" feeling wore off after a while. If it's TRULY not for you, don't force yourself. But do give yourself a little while to try it on and get used to it before you decide whether or not it's for you. I felt silly and nervous and out of place at first. But after a while, I came to feel that there were few things I'd ever done that were more satisfying.
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Submissive Bill of Rightsby Screamer
Rights, as a Submissive....
I have the right to set limits, and expect them to be respected. I have the right to adjust these limits at any
time, with notice to you. I have the right to expect you to push them, to force me to create new limits and boundaries.
I have the right to privacy. I expect you to be concerned about time we spend apart, but I expect you to understand that I am a person, separate from you, and thusly having problems and situations in my life that I will not need your help with. I have the right to expect you will respect me for my independence and not criticize me for it. I have the right to ask you for help, should I need it. I have the right to be trusted, providing I have earned it, and I have the right to expect you to believe I am an intelligent, caring and loyal person.
I have the right to ask things of you, and have you listen to my requests. I have the right to ask for your attention, without having to misbehave to get it. I have the right to ask you to contribute as much to this relationship as I do. As long as my requests are submitted respectfully, I expect you to consider them as you would from any friend or colleague. I have the right to question your motives, should you deny my requests, as long as I do so with the proper respect.
I have the right to expect you to administer your punishment with care and caution. I have the right to use my safewords at any point, should I feel them necessary. I have the right to get up and walk away from a scene if you have crossed the line. I have the right to expect you to respect my decisions, and not think less of me, or abandon me for them.
I have the right to speak up if I feel our relationship is not giving me what I need. I have the right to tell you what I need, in a respectful manner. I have the right to expect you to understand my reasons for doing so, and the right to expect you to listen with an open mind. I have the right to walk away from the relationship if we cannot come to a common ground on these issues.
I have the right to expect tenderness, love and understanding after a scene is completed, should it be what I desire. I have the right to ask you for that tenderness if I've had a bad day, or if I just feel the need for closeness. I understand that there will be times when you and I will disagree about this - when you will want a scene, and I will not. I have the right to call for a talk about this, and to expect you to listen to and consider my reasoning's. I expect you to have the final word, but I expect you to wholeheartedly consider my feelings, whatever they may happen to be.
I have the right to expect our relationship to progress, for trust to continually be renewed, for our souls to be as close as our bodies are. I have the right to tell you if I need more from you, and I expect you to respect my decisions about what I want and need. I expect you to want the relationship to progress, unless decided otherwise before hand. I expect you to understand that deep trust often breeds love, and I expect you not to repel me if I tell you that I love you. For, my master, I will love you, should our relationship move ahead, should our trust continue to grow. I have the right to expect you to tell me, at any point, if you do not feel you can return those feelings, so that I may decide what I want and need. For it is your pleasure that adds to my own, makes it real. And mine, that adds to yours.
These rights were written by screamer.. a sub in #!!!!sub^fems channel...
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Author of this FAQ is Domina Dear
All rights reserved.
Revised: November 16, 2010.
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