Note: The following FAQ was created by Domina Dear. I blatantly stole it from her site. Don't worry. I have her permission to do so!! Domina is a good friend of mine in real life and we can often times be seen together doing wonderfully nasty and devious stuff to submissives. Now, be good fans of this website and go visit hers. (After you finish this of course!!) Oh and while you're at it... buy something from her too. She is THE FrugalDomme!
Table of Contents
- How do I Meet Somebody ... ?
- Meeting Someone Offline that You Met Online
- Some Rules of the Game For Dominants
- Some Rules For Submissives
- Public Play Parties?
- When is ... ?
How do I Meet Somebody ... ?
DOMINA'S TIPS FOR MEETING POTENTIAL PARTNERS INTO THE "SCENE"
1) Make connections with other people in the scene. You never know who might know the partner of your dreams. Guysubs especially tend to disregard the chances to network with each other. Networking is a great idea. Popular people often know lots of partners that are wrong for them, but may be right for you.
2) Be sociable. Attend parties, events, festivals, etc that are connected to the scene. (Actually, you might meet someone at a vanilla gathering, too. Never hurts to look.) The more people you connect with, the better your chance statistically of finding the one right for you.
3) Demonstrate good manners. You wouldn't want to find the right person, and have them pass by because you act like a lout. Be polite and nice to everyone. Rudeness isn't pretty, even in female dommes.
4) Demonstrate intelligence. Have a few conversational openings that require more than a yes or no response. Have opinions and state them. Be witty and charming.
5) Make eye contact. Shy is cute, but it helps to be able to determine that there is mutual interest. If someone doesn't look at me, I figure they are not interested, or they are trying to hide something. Either way, *I* lose interest.
6) Don't be a kiss ass. It's okay for subs to have opinions like anyone else. It's okay to disagree with people. Be polite, but for heaven's sake, stand up for yourself.
If you are a dom(me) don't expect subs to kowtow to you just because they are sub. Contrary to typical fantasy fodder, a sub who is NOT your collar, does NOT owe you anything but politeness. And if you are rude, they probably don't even owe you that.
7) Shower. This SHOULD go without saying, but I have had too many unpleasant experiences to believe any longer that bathing is a given in any circumstances. Being neat, clean, tidy, and smelling good helps to make that first impression a good one.
8) When you are at scene related gatherings, it helps to remember that scene manners preclude loud talking, interruptions, talking to people doing a scene, yelling comments, touching strangers without being invited to, and a host of other, mostly obvious, protocols. THINK before you speak or act.
9) Don't pretend to knowledge or experience you don't have. If you say you are a heavy pain puppy, and scream at the first whack of a flogger, NO ONE will EVER believe you again about your experience. And a lot of people will never play with you again.
If you are dom(me) and flail uncontrollably at a sub with a flogger, or mark one after discussing the delicacy of your touch, you will make an impression that won't be soon forgotten.
Most play parties and public dungeons have dungeon masters/mistresses designated to regulate safe play. If you feel a scene that you are watching is unsafe, do NOT interrupt it yourself. Inform the dungeon master or the host of the party of your concerns and let THEM take action. Things that look too severe to you, may just be love taps to the people involved. Please remember that we share different kinks, and be tolerant. If you don't approve of a style of play, leave the area. Do NOT loudly express your opinion. Toleration is the best policy.
10) Inform yourself about D/s in general. If you don't recognize the terms, if your information came mostly out of fantasy magazine, if you THINK it sounds hot to be a domme/sub without really KNOWING what they are/do, you MAY
be looking in the wrong place for your partner. Remember, it is easy to mentally or emotionally damage someone. Not to even mention the physical damage you can do to someone out of ignorance or lack of skill. For most of us, this is NOT a game, it's who we are.
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Meeting Someone Offline that You Met Online
Very often, in this age of home computer use, we meet people on line and form attachments to them. In the old days, people exchanged letters, photos, etc. and perhaps eventually met. Marriages happening this way were not at all unusual, especially in frontier environments. In our age, we use email, and things happen a lot faster and sometimes harder.
So......you've met someone on line you think is the dom(me)/sub of your dreams and now you want to meet them in person. You KNOW this person. You've been talking to them for weeks (months......a year if you are REALLY cautious) and you have shared all your thoughts with them. You've spoken to them on the phone. So of course there is NO danger, RIGHT????? WRONG!!!!!! You don't know this person at all.
First of all.....this is cyber, not real life. Your partner could be lying about any or all of the things you THINK you know. Age, looks, marital status, whatever.....until you meet this person, you can't know any of these things for sure. And maybe not even then. Before you meet someone for the first time....you should take the time to set up a few ground rules. And gather a few bits of info. The time to check references is BEFORE you meet someone, not after. And if someone WON'T give you identifying info and references......well, it's your decision as to whether you want to pursue this relationship, but for me, that would be a definite alarm. If you are a sub, negotiate the first meeting from the standpoint of an equal. DO NOT HAVE A SUB MINDSET FOR ANY NEGOTIATIONS. Do not, ever, allow a dom(me) to make you feel that you are being unreasonable or unsublike or disrespectful to have a high regard for your own safety. It ain't true. You have a right to be safe and to provide for your safety. Any dom who refuses to give you references MAY have a reason.....but probably not a GOOD reason. Even if his last sub hates him....he should have other people in the scene he can direct you to. If he is not involved with any scene in his area, he should be able to refer you to some vanilla friends who will vouch that he is loyal, sane, and bathes occasionally.
The next thing is identity. It is a BAD idea to go meet someone whom you have no way to identify to the police should they decide to maim you. At a minimum, you should have the home and work phone numbers of this person, their legal name, and a home address. If he's married, he will be leery about giving you this information. Insist on having it anyway. Your LIFE is just as or more important than his marriage. And that is what YOU are risking. Before you meet this person, make sure that at least ONE of your friends has this information so that if you don't make it back, there will be a starting place to look. Again, do NOT allow a dom(me) to buffalo you into NOT taking precautions.
The best place to meet is a public place for coffee or lunch or whatever. It is not a good idea to meet someone at their house, your house, or a hotel for a first meeting. Playing on the first meeting should NOT be expected. And if you are going to THEIR city for a meeting, it is best to meet them at a neutral place such as a restaurant rather than to have them pick you up at the airport. Getting into cars with strangers
is never a good idea. One reason for NOT playing on first meeting is that you might not LIKE this person in real life. Maybe he/she has a laugh that drives you up the wall. Maybe he/she last had a bath on reaching puberty. Maybe he/she lied about looks/age/health/sanity/IQ or whatever. NOT expecting to play on the first date allows you to save face when your response to allowing this person to get close to you would be nausea. You can always say your sister is expecting you, you got called back home for an emergency, or whatever.......as long as you arranged for the meeting to end with your leaving separately. If you are sure this person is wonderful, and you WANT to play.....you can always arrange to do so after actually sitting down face to face and talking.
Another precaution to take is phone calls. Check in phone calls are wonderful little ways to say "I am NOT okay, call the cops." Have a set time to call a friend and arrange a phrase that means I am REALLY okay. Codes are good. Arrange for your last safe call to be AFTER you are home
and have left your date. Tell your date that you have made these arrangements. This can help ensure that you GET home safely. Nothing can guarantee your safety, but you should definitely do all you can to cut your risk from stupid to acceptable. Be SURE to take these precautions the first time you play. And I make a rule that the first time I play, I don't do bondage. You may not want to limit yourself like this, but bondage is not something that, IMHO, should be practiced by near strangers.
A word to guysubs and male doms: Please Note, things happen to big, hairy, men all the time. Remember Fatal Attraction. Feynman didnt take safety precautions when he and I first met, and I nearly decided not to see him because of it. Who wants to date a fool?
The night I met him, I gave a one hour talk at the party we met at on meeting safety. He sat through all of it, and didn't take ONE precaution when it came to our having dinner and then when we played the first time. Why? Because he's a foot taller than me and he KNEW I wouldn't hurt him. How did he know this? Apparently his telepathy was functioning then.
Please realize that a lot of perfectly crazy people look perfectly sane on first meeting. Or even on the tenth meeting. If I have a guy the size and strength of Hulk Hogan in bondage, and decide he'd look really good without portions of his anatomy.....he'll be minus those portions before he gets loose. I'm no slouch at bondage. Even small, delicate, -100 lb women can hurt or kill you. Please, please, please believe this and safeguard yourself.
Now that I've scared you, let me reassure you that I know any number of people who have met and loved and played as a result of online services and the internet. Some are happily married. Feynman and I met at a party given by a domme who knew us both just from on line. This is not a bad way to meet people. But you do need to take precautions.
There! Enough of that for now.
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Some Rules of the Game For Dominants
Be patient! Until you enter into a contract with a submissive, you have no more right to order him/her around than does anyone else. Give your bottom time to get to know you and what you are like. Finesse and subtlety are major elements of dominance. Similarly, strength and gentleness go hand in hand. The sensitivity and awareness (or lack thereof) that you show in the real world is likely to be repeated in the playroom.
Be humble. You may be God's/Goddess' gift to the world, but no one needs to hear it or wants to hear it. You will have ample opportunities to show how good you are - and plenty of opportunities to make a fool of yourself. No matter what you claim, the "real you" will show through in a scene. Don't set yourself up for a failure by developing expectations that you know you can never reach.
Be open. Although the top is classically considered to be the teacher in SM, you can always learn from your bottom, no matter how inexperienced. Be willing to learn from other dominants who may have a totally different perspective from yours. Try to approach by-now-familiar trips with an attitude of wonderment and discovery. Be aware that everyone has her or his own personal style.
Communicate! You are responsible for finding out basic, essential information about the people you play with, such as experience, limits, likes and dislikes, and health information. Playing SM without this knowledge is like Russian roulette. Talk about your head-space and your view of SM with your bottom, so that any uncertainties can be dealt with before you start playing. Clearly spell out roles, rules, limits, and contracts. Do not take for granted that your bottom instinctively knows the ground rules.
Be honest. If you lack experience in an area that your bottom would like to experiment with, be honest about it. Your partner has a right to know that. Be honest with yourself and take your submissive only to those levels at which you are completely in control of the situation. Safety should always be the first concern, taking priority over how hot a particular scene is.
Be sensitive. There's a very fine line between a sensitive, caring dominant and a self-righteous, insensitive overbearing clod. Your scene should be a creative synthesis of your needs and fantasies and your bottom's needs and fantasies. Although, on the surface, your submissive is serving you, what actually is happening is that dominant and submissive are serving each other. Earn the complete trust of your submissive and never violate or even threaten to violate that trust. His or her submission is a gift to you. Use it appropriately.
Be realistic. End the scene with the bottom wanting more, not wishing there had been less. Remember that power, control, and sensitivity are the keys, not just the intensity of the stimulation. Be clear about what is fantasy, and has little to do with what works in practice. Your favorite porno picture books may be stimulating in themselves, but don't try to imitate them to the last detail.
Be really dominant! Submissives are looking for someone who will take over their body and mind, not just for brute strength. Real people are wanted, not just cardboard images from cigarette ads or macho stereotypes. Your dominance enhances your whole existence. It does not cover up or substitute for other areas of your life - it is you. Make your submissive fall in love with you, and expect him or her to give him/herself up to you totally. Follow up on rules, expect obedience, and punish appropriately when it is called for. Don't shirk your responsibility to your bottom or to your sister/fellow tops. Be dependable and expect dependability. You have agreed to take the dominant role - now take it!
Be healthy! Like any strenuous activity, SM requires that its participants be in top physical and emotional health. Many factors, including the amount you sleep, your eating habits, and your alcohol and drug intake affect your performance and endurance during a scene. Don't attempt to do SM when your physical or emotional energy is low. As a dominant you have a special responsibility to be in control of yourself and on top of the scene. An attitude of "drugs and alcohol don't affect me that much... I can do it anyway" violates your Submissives trust in you and can be dangerous. If you don't want to accept the responsibilities, you shouldn't be playing the game!
Have fun! After all, sex is all about having a good time. You have earned, and you are entitled to the unique, intense pleasures which come from responsible, creative SM play.
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Some Rules For Submissives
Be patient! A potential top will let you know if she or he is interested in you or not. Keep in mind that your purpose as a submissive is to serve and to satisfy someone who will take into consideration the realization of your fantasies. Don't expect your top to be able to turn on like a light switch. The timing must be right for both of you.
Be humble. You may be God's or Goddess' gift to the world and the most sought after prize in town, but no one needs to hear it or wants to hear it. You will have ample opportunity to show how good you are. No matter what you claim, the "real you" will show through in a scene. Don't set yourself up for failure by developing expectations that you know you and your top can never reach.
Be open. You can learn something about SM and about yourself from everyone into the scene, no matter how experienced or inexperienced they are, or how dominant or submissive they are. SM is a very personal art, and an "I already know it all" attitude will make you miss valuable SM lessons and experiences, and ignore potentially valuable SM friends.
Communicate! Verbalization is necessary, but at the appropriate time and in the appropriate way. Your top needs to know basic information about you, such as experiences, fantasies, health concerns, and turn-offs. But - unless it's an emergency - wait until your top asks. Don't expect your dominant to be a mind-reader who instinctively knows your needs, wants, and limits. Your cooperation will enhance the scene for both of you.
Be honest. Don't be afraid to share your needs and fantasies. Your dominant expects it. Honesty about your wants, health concerns, and turn-offs is essential to a good scene. Lying or being less than candid can only lead to problems, as the top will base the scene on inaccurate information. Besides causing problems, it can be dangerous.
Be vulnerable. Your scene is a two-way street. It is not just the physical realization of your prior fantasies. If you want to limit your experience to certain physical and psychological stimulation, then con>tract with your top ahead of time. But don't always expect your top to be a puppet in a fantasy play you've written in your head. It's far better to let your top surprise you, to extend your limits, to take you to places you're never been before. When you trust your top completely, let her or him know it, and let him or her guide you into new fantasies.
Be realistic. Your dominant is human, and even the most experienced tops have moments of awkwardness and indecision. Don't call attention to what you perceive as a lapse. Know the difference between reality and the fantasy world you see in books and magazines. Few tops are rich enough to afford a large dungeon with a lavish layout of equipment. Your top's equipment is expensive - respect it and don't abuse it.
Be really submissive! This is the whole point. Let your dominant take you over completely. Don't coach or second guess or be critical of your top. Exchange information on your special needs before the scene starts, but once it starts be quiet! If you insist on running a scene to your own specifications, then you should try being a top. You have agreed to limitations of your own power. Stay within those limitations. Respect and obey your top and expect punishment if you don't. Accept it gracefully and cheerfully. Your top has many things to be concerned with, including your safety and what turns you on. Be loyal and dependable and enjoy your role.
Be healthy! SM, like any strenuous activity, requires that its participants - both active and passive - be in top physical and emotional health. The amount you sleep, your eating habits, your alcohol and drug intake, and everyday stress affect your response and endurance during a scene. Your dominant needs to know when your physical or emotional energy is low. No matter how tempting a scene sounds, an "I want it all now" attitude when you aren't able to give your all will leave both of you feeling let down. You serve your dominant and yourself best by staying healthy.
Have fun! After all, sex is all about having a good time. You have earned and you are entitled to the unique, intense pleasure which comes from responsible, creative SM play.
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Public Play Parties
What happens at a public play party? What is the playspace like? What do people wear? What do they do?
Here is the description of a play party held at a public space for the members of an on line service.
In the bay area, there is a Bed and Bondage that is often rented out for public play parties. One evening in November, a group of people descended on this household for a party. The dungeon is the entire basement of a two story house. Lots of nice equipment from chains to slings to hanging platforms, to spanking horses, togurneys are in this room. San Francisco is reasonably tolerant of public D/s spaces, unlike some other cities. This particular space is unusual in that the dungeon is just one large room. Most public spaces have more than one area for play. This venue, however, is better lighted and just plain better designed than most of the other public play spaces in town.
We paid our admission, and then wandered around exploring since this was the first time we'd been to this playspace. There was a bondage demo (a lesson on how to safely do rope bondage) going on in the dungeon, and we watched that. It was extremely interesting, and the participants were very good at bringing out the dangers and proper techniques. There was a lingerie boutique, and Domina visited that and tried on quite a few things.....but fortunately for Feynman, didn't buy anything.
After spending some time chatting with various people and snacking in the kitchen, we again gravitated toward the dungeon. A local author of SM how to books was autographing books on the main floor. And there was also a boutique. After inspecting these items, we entered the dungeon which now was open for public play. Several scenes were going on, some of which demonstrated a lot of skill. We watched several of these. Once the crowd thinned out, we did a scene of our own. Unfortunately, we had to cross the bay bridge to get home, and that was going to be closing at midnight, so we had to leave early. However, we did meet some new people, and renewed ties with old friends.
Public parties are very similar to private parties except for the people being less likely to be close friends. The same sort of outfits are evident.......maybe more leather in a public party since people are a bit more into impressing than they would be among close friends. Public parties will have posted rules, and not all private parties will. Many cities do not have clubs where public parties can take place. Unfortunately, it will depend on the city, the local laws, the openness of the local alternative communities, etc. The Bay Area is rather tolerant of alternative sexual styles, while Nashville, Tennessee, might not be. So, there may not be places where you can play publicly in Nashville.
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Author of this FAQ is Domina Dear
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Revised: November 16, 2010.
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