There is a group of players that we have forgotten about. The "Mature" player. The gentleman over the age of 60. There is a ton of information out there for the older female sub, the older male and female Dominant but very little for the mature male submissive. The following questions were created by me and Mr. James Shields, the author of "Learning to Play Again at Sixty" has provided the answers. Please feel free to send me YOUR questions and I will obtain the answers for you and publish them here. Mistress Littlestar
Playing again at 60
- How did you find somebody willing to play with you ... ?
- I lived with my Wife/Mistress for X years and she recently passed away. I am scared. What should I do ...?
- I am over 60 years old and have always been fascinated with the idea of being a submissive but I am not sure how I should get started ... ?
- I have a bad heart... can I still play? What safety precautions should I take ... ?
- I am hard of hearing and I refuse to wear a hearing aid. What should I do ... ?
- I played for years with one person. How do I get my new play partner to play like my old one did?
- I have more physical limits How can I show my submission in other ways?
- Safe words and You
- Other comments from James ... ?
- Learning to Play Again at Sixty
How did you find somebody willing to play with you ... ?
It seems like a contradiction for a submissive, but you have to be aggressive. Not rude or overbearing, but you have to go where the action is and make it known what you are. You have to approach a lady and speak intelligently, be open to humor and try to remember those courting skills that we learned back in the forties and fifties. Be attentive, open doors, attend to chairs and coats, light her cigarette, even if you do not smoke.
Be interested in her and be honest. "May I do ...? " .. "Would You like me to .. ?" .. "I love the color of Your hair ..!" Be courteous and do not be afraid to use compliments that are real. If she suggests something that you cannot deal with, say so in a polite way.
You need to be yourself, not someone you think she might like. And be strong .. not every lady is going to be interested in you, just as you will not be interested in every lady. A rejection is not a personal assault or insult. You can kiss her hand and take your leave in a graceful manner. That might impress the lady that is watching from across the room and wishing you would approach her. It might even move her to action.
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I lived with my Wife/Mistress for X years and she recently passed away. I am scared. What should I do ...?
The decline of a life partner's health and the eventual death of that person is the most devastating series of events that can happen to a person. I have publicly declared my period of mourning to be over, but when I go back and dwell on those event, as I am doing now, the tears still flow. You must deal with it -- shed the tears, scream at God if you need to (he/she will forgive you), pound on the mattress in the lonely dead of the night, and shed more tears -- and then when the wound is so raw that you cannot stand it any longer, you will begin to look for a way to heal yourself.
There are support groups to deal with grief. There are activities that you can throw yourself into. I wrote to heal myself, to deal with the grief. I wrote about the good times, and some of the struggles that we shared -- and I wrote about our love. And then I released her, set her soul free to do the things that souls do.. and now I am getting on with the rest of my life.
My children know that I am being social again. In fact, they are in the lifestyle as well and understand fully the type of things I am doing. I don't share details, but they know what I am about. In some cases we have common friends in the scene.
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I am over 60 years old and have always been fascinated with the idea of being a submissive but I am not sure how I should get started ... ?
In my case, I have always been aware of BDSM. My journey into submission began at around age five. but it seems to me that beginning for the first time and beginning again are very similar. The issues that I covered in item #1 above seem to apply here. Go where you can find people in the scene and be honest about who and what you are.
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I have a bad heart... can I still play? What safety precautions should I take ... ?
Do the things your doctor tells you to do. The exercises, the medication, and the diet. And ask about sexual activity, and then talk about alternate forms of sex, about D/s.
If your doctor will not talk about these issues in you life, find a doctor who will. in my case, I do not take blood thinners, because they compound the bruising problem. I also had other problems with them, such as nose bleeds and bleeding hemorrhoids, so I am even more aware about keeping my blood pressure where it belongs and eating right.
You do have a right to make decisions about your health care, just get as many facts as you can. When I began to play again, I went to my doctor and had the physical that I had been putting off. I asked for blood tests for HIV and two types of hepatitis. I had my prostrate checked and I asked about sexual activity in general, and BDSM play in particular. And I got answers. Once I got started it was pretty easy to deal with.
The general answer is that sexual activity is good for you. The more specific answers about BDSM were to watch things carefully during the healing process and to get treatment if something does not look or feel right.
Honesty comes into play again. Any person that you play with should be informed about your health status. A person might decline to play with you because of health issues ..it is better that they decline than be taken by surprise in the event of a problem and panic.
If you have a good relationship with your play partner, they will be willing to work with you on these issues.
We are extra careful with electric play to stay away from my chest, and we do not do impact play on my back and chest. Mistress is perhaps a little more aware of my breathing and my reaction. We communicate a lot when we play. And that is good, even without health problems.
I also have a bad hip -- a full hip replacement on the left side, so we do not do any bondage that will stress that joint and She is very careful not to strike that area. There is a large scar that defines the problem area. **
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I am hard of hearing and I refuse to wear a hearing aid. What should I do ... ?
Any physical problem requires honesty ! ! ! You must discuss the problem and form a plan for dealing with it. If the plan does not work, stop and talk some more.
Unless your scene involves sensory depravation that includes the loss of hearing, being able to hear your Dominants' commands and questions should be at the top of your "safe play" list. As a professional I always ask my clients if they have a hearing deficiency. With this knowledge I can then try and stay on their "good" side. As a Domme who tends to "chat" during a scene I expect my players to respond to a question asked by me. If they can't hear me and I forget that they're hard of hearing something could go wrong. For example, I might tell them that I am going to do "X" to them giving them an opportunity to respond. If they don't say anything I naturally assume that they're okay with it and go on. The next thing I know they're screaming RED RED RED! and accusing me of violating a limit. NOT A GOOD THING. Is this my fault? Or is it yours? Am I responsible for YOUR good health or are YOU?
I am human; I can (and do) forget that they have a hearing impairment. Diminished hearing presents a potential for unsafe play. It is YOUR responsibility to make yourself as safe a player as possible. A good Domme will always try and keep your disadvantages in mind but if your hearing disability can be corrected by the use a hearing aid then stick your ego and male pride in your back pocket and make yourself as safe from harm as possible!! You can always take the damned thing out BEFORE and AFTER your visit.
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I played for years with one person. How do I get my new play partner to play like my old one did?
You cannot expect a new Domme to be just like someone else was in the past. You do need to talk about what you did in the past, what you liked, what you have tried and not liked and areas where you have no experience or desire. You need to listen to Her, about how She does things, what She expects from you, what She wants to achieve for Herself and for you. We are talking about a new relationship, so don't limit it to your past experience no matter how extensive you think that might be. Allow the scene to develop. Be open to new techniques, new toys and new forms of play.
Comments from Ms. Star:
In addition to what James states, it's also unfair to expect your new play partner to fill the shoes of your former Mistress. It has been my experience that when a submissive has played extensively with another person he/she tends to place high expectations upon the new dominant. This is almost a guaranteed means of failure. For both you and the Dom/me.
Remember this; Your past levels of experience came about slowly with time and energy devoted by both you and your mistress, learning about one another. I realize that you will be impatient but as in all things, if it's worth doing at all then do it right. Take your time. Go slow. Communicate and pay attention!! Too many times, submissives will be so busy thinking about what they're going to say to me that invariably they end up missing what's being said to them.
One more thing... please DO NOT tell your new partner "Well Mistress So and So used to do such and such". Making comparisons is a good way to insult your partner and in my house, it's a sure path to the door. Everybody is different. We each have our own style of play. Now, that's not to say don't share what works for you. By all means, this is a great way to let your new partner know what works for you. But if you expect her to replicate your former Mistress' style you're going to be in for a big disappointment.
Is there something you always wanted to try but for whatever reason it never happened? Now is the time. Talk about it. It may turn into a great trip for both of you.
For example, I had never experienced clothes pins before but my Mistress has a lot of them and loves to use them. Now I am a fan of that form of play. Another example, She had never used a cane until I gave her one. Now She loves to cane me and is very good at it. Electric play was new to me as well but now I love it. She wants to learn to use a single tail and I have never experienced that but I am looking forward to learning with Her.
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Safe words and You
This is a very good place to talk about safe words. It may be that you have not used a safe word in years because the two of you had been doing this for so long and read each other so well. This is a new relationship filled with potential pitfalls. You may be squirming around and making noise and She needs to know if that is good or bad. So you say "green" and she knows you like it. It is about communication and getting to know each other. I really like using the green, yellow, and red system of safe words. It is a positive, easy system to use. We do a lot of edge play, always pushing the limits. That cannot be done without safe words.
Don't try to find another Domme just like the last one. You are starting on a new relationship so let it develop in it's own way. It will be so much more rewarding for both of you.
Comments from Ms. Star
Safe words in my house are mandatory. Both for the submissives' use and my own. I can hear the reader gasp from here! Yes boys and girls it's true. I too use a safe word. Why you ask? Simple. Oftentimes my mature player won't use his/her safeword for any reason. They have played for so many years with their former Mistress that they have forgotten how to use them or more importantly, they never learned.
The Mature player, especially those with 30 or 40 years of experience didn't have the resources that explained the concepts of "Safe, Sane and Consensual" play that we enjoy today. Edge play at it's very finest. However that doesn't excuse or dismiss the need for safe words. On the flip side of that coin players today are exposed to a wider variety of play than ever before. Because of the Internet imaginations run wild. Everybody is eager to try the hottest thing in suspension or fire and ice play; Japanese bondage, breath play and other forms of "intense play". Because the mature player places his life in YOUR hands You must be willing to stop the scene if needs be. How is the mature player to know what is safe and sane without YOUR guidance? The Fear of Failure has caused more injury than anything else. Safeword equals failure in the minds of many. It is YOUR job to teach them that using a safeword is a POSITIVE thing. Sometimes, in order to demonstrate that you the Dominant must safeword a scene. Don't be afraid to do it.
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I have more physical limits How can I show my submission in other ways?
I have more physical limits now, such as not being able to kneel for any extended period of time or sit on the floor at her feet for a long time. I show my submission to my Mistress in the way I treat Her with respect and honor. In public I walk slightly behind Her; I open doors; pull out her chair always seating her first. All those little things that show respect. I try not to interfere with her conversations with others. This is a problem for me sometimes and I have been punished for speaking out of turn.
When I can, I take a lower position than she has. For instance if we are sitting on her bed, I will tend to sit so that I may put my head on her shoulder, or lay on my side or stomach to show my submission. This is a subject that we are still working on and communicating about. I try to practice kneeling a little each day and I am becoming a little more limber because of exercises that I try to remember to do every day, but this is still a very limited activity.
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Other comments from James ...
I am also exploring my dominate side and play as a Dom with a lady that has mild and cerebral palsy and arthritis. We always talk about how each of us is feeling and how her medications are affecting her on this day before we play.
I know from my own experience, and from what this lady has told me, that those of us that face the possibility that this session could be the last one, play with great passion. We tend to savor each sensation and we want to fly higher and longer. If by chance it is the last trip, it should be worth remembering. I do not dwell on that, but it does lurk in the back of my mind.
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**NOTE: To the new Domme or Player.. Prior to ANY play, either with a client or a friend I submit them to a full VISUAL and TACTILE inspection. I ask about every single scar and mark on their body. I also inquire about health issues that may NOT appear to the naked eye. In my opinion it is a good policy to inspect them. Do not be afraid to have them bend over and spread their buttocks. Do not be afraid or embarrassed to ask about this or that piece of flesh that seems to be distended. They know their bodies and so should you. It has been my experience that most men that have some type of physical problem won't volunteer the information for fear that you won't play with them. Ask them. I have never rejected a person because of health issues. I simply modify my style of play to suit their limitations.
Mistress Littlestar and Mr. James Shields
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Revised: November 16, 2010.
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Revised: November 16, 2010.