- How did you find somebody willing to play
with you ... ?
- I lived with my Wife/Mistress for X years
and she recently passed away. I am scared. What should I do ...?
- I am over 60 years old and have always
been fascinated with the idea of being a submissive but I am not sure how I should get
started ... ?
- I have a bad heart... can I
still play? What safety precautions should I take ... ?
- I am hard of hearing and I
refuse to wear a hearing aid. What should I do ... ?
- I played for years with one person. How do
I get my new play partner to play like my old one did?
- I have more physical limits
How can I show my submission in other ways?
- Safe words and You
- Other comments from James ... ?
- Learning to Play Again at Sixty
It seems like a contradiction for a submissive, but you have
to be aggressive. Not rude or overbearing, but you have to go where the action is and make
it known what you are. You have to approach a lady and speak intelligently, be open to
humor and try to remember those courting skills that we learned back in the forties and
fifties. Be attentive, open doors, attend to chairs and coats, light her cigarette, even
if you do not smoke.
Be interested in her and be honest. "May I do ...? " .. "Would You like me
to .. ?" .. "I love the color of Your hair ..!" Be courteous and do not be
afraid to use compliments that are real. If she suggests something that you cannot deal
with, say so in a polite way.
You need to be yourself, not someone you think she might
like. And be strong .. not every lady is going to be interested in you, just as you
will not be interested in every lady. A rejection is not a personal assault or insult. You
can kiss her hand and take your leave in a graceful manner. That might impress the lady
that is watching from across the room and wishing you would approach her. It might even
move her to action.
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The decline of a life partner's health and the eventual death
of that person is the most devastating series of events that can happen to a person. I
have publicly declared my period of mourning to be over, but when I go back and dwell on
those event, as I am doing now, the tears still flow. You must deal with it -- shed the
tears, scream at God if you need to (he/she will forgive you), pound on the mattress in
the lonely dead of the night, and shed more tears -- and then when the wound is so raw
that you cannot stand it any longer, you will begin to look for a way to heal yourself.
There are support groups to deal with grief. There are
activities that you can throw yourself into. I wrote to heal myself, to deal with the
grief. I wrote about the good times, and some of the struggles
that we shared -- and I wrote about our love. And then I released her, set her soul free
to do the things that souls do.. and now I am getting on with the rest of my life.
My children know that I am being social again. In fact, they
are in the lifestyle as well and understand fully the type of things I am doing. I don't
share details, but they know what I am about. In some cases we have common friends in the
scene.
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In my case, I have always been aware of BDSM. My
journey into submission began at around age five. but it seems to me that beginning for
the first time and beginning again are very similar. The issues that I covered in item #1
above seem to apply here. Go where you can find people in the scene and be honest
about who and what you are.
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Do the things your doctor tells you to do. The
exercises, the medication, and the diet. And ask about sexual activity, and then
talk about alternate forms of sex, about D/s.
If your doctor will not talk about these issues in you life,
find a doctor who will. in my case, I do not take blood thinners, because they compound
the bruising problem. I also had other problems with them, such as nose bleeds and
bleeding hemorrhoids, so I am even more aware about keeping my blood pressure where it
belongs and eating right.
You do have a right to make decisions about your health care,
just get as many facts as you can. When I began to play again, I went to my doctor and had
the physical that I had been putting off. I asked for blood tests for HIV and two types of
hepatitis. I had my prostrate checked and I asked about sexual activity in general,
and BDSM play in particular. And I got answers. Once I got started it was pretty
easy to deal with.
The general answer is that sexual activity is good for you.
The more specific answers about BDSM were to watch things carefully during the healing
process and to get treatment if something does not look or feel right.
Honesty comes into play again. Any person that you play with should be informed about your
health status. A person might decline to play with you because of health issues ..it
is better that they decline than be taken by surprise in the event of a problem and panic.
If you have a good relationship with your play partner, they
will be willing to work with you on these issues.
We are extra careful with electric play to stay away from my chest, and we do not do
impact play on my back and chest. Mistress is perhaps a little more aware of my
breathing and my reaction. We communicate a lot when we play. And that is good, even
without health problems.
I also have a bad hip -- a full hip replacement on the left side, so we do not do any
bondage that will stress that joint and She is very careful not to strike that area. There
is a large scar that defines the problem area. **
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Any physical problem requires honesty ! ! ! You
must discuss the problem and form a plan for dealing with it. If the plan does not
work, stop and talk some more.
Unless your scene involves sensory
depravation that includes the loss of hearing, being able to hear your Dominants' commands
and questions should be at the top of your "safe play" list. As a
professional I always ask my clients if they have a hearing deficiency. With this
knowledge I can then try and stay on their "good" side. As a Domme who
tends to "chat" during a scene I expect my players to respond to a question
asked by me. If they can't hear me and I forget that they're hard of hearing
something could go wrong. For example, I might tell them that I am going to do
"X" to them giving them an opportunity to respond. If they don't say
anything I naturally assume that they're okay with it and go on. The next
thing I know they're screaming RED RED RED! and accusing me of violating a limit.
NOT A GOOD THING. Is this my fault? Or is it yours? Am I
responsible for YOUR good health or are YOU?
I am human; I can (and do) forget that they
have a hearing impairment. Diminished hearing presents a potential for unsafe
play. It is YOUR responsibility to make yourself as safe a player as possible.
A good Domme will always try and keep your disadvantages in mind but if your hearing
disability can be corrected by the use a hearing aid then stick your ego and
male pride in
your back pocket and make yourself as safe from harm as possible!! You can always
take the damned thing out BEFORE and AFTER your visit.
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You cannot expect a new Domme to be just like someone else
was in the past. You do need to talk about what you did in the past, what you liked,
what you have tried and not liked and areas where you have no experience or desire. You
need to listen to Her, about how She does things, what She expects from you, what She
wants to achieve for Herself and for you. We are talking about a new relationship,
so don't limit it to your past experience no matter how extensive you think that might
be. Allow the scene to develop. Be open to new techniques, new toys and new
forms of play.
Comments from Ms. Star:
In addition to what James states, it's also
unfair to expect your new play partner to fill the shoes of your former Mistress. It
has been my experience that when a submissive has played extensively with another person
he/she tends to place high expectations upon the new dominant. This is almost a
guaranteed means of failure. For both you and the Dom/me.
Remember this; Your past levels of experience
came about slowly with time and energy devoted by both you and your mistress, learning
about one another. I realize that you will be impatient but as in all things, if
it's worth doing at all then do it right. Take your time. Go slow. Communicate
and pay attention!! Too many times, submissives will be so busy thinking about what
they're going to say to me that invariably they end up missing what's being said to
them.
One more thing... please DO NOT tell
your new partner "Well Mistress So and So used to do such and such".
Making comparisons is a good way to insult your partner and in my house, it's a sure path
to the door. Everybody is different. We each have our own style of play.
Now, that's not to say don't share what works for you. By all means, this is a great
way to let your new partner know what works for you. But if you expect her to
replicate your former Mistress' style you're going to be in for a big disappointment.
Is there something you always wanted to try but for whatever reason it never happened?
Now is the time. Talk about it. It may turn into a great
trip for both of you.
For example, I had never experienced clothes pins before but
my Mistress has a lot of them and loves to use them. Now I am a fan of that form of
play. Another example, She had never used a cane until I gave her one. Now She
loves to cane me and is very good at it. Electric play was new to me as well but now
I love it. She wants to learn to use a single tail and I have never experienced that
but I am looking forward to learning with Her.
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This is a very good place to talk about safe words. It
may be that you have not used a safe word in years because the two of you had been doing
this for so long and read each other so well. This is a new relationship filled with
potential pitfalls. You may be squirming around and making noise and She needs to know if
that is good or bad. So you say "green" and she knows you like it.
It is about communication and getting to know each other. I really like using the
green, yellow, and red system of safe words. It is a positive, easy system to
use. We do a lot of edge play, always pushing the limits. That cannot be done
without safe words.
Don't try to find another Domme just like the last one. You are starting on a new
relationship so let it develop in it's own way. It will be so much more
rewarding for both of you.
Comments from Ms. Star
Safe words in my house are mandatory.
Both for the submissives' use and my own. I can hear the reader gasp from
here! Yes boys and girls it's true. I too use a safe word. Why you
ask? Simple. Oftentimes my mature player won't use his/her safeword for any
reason. They have played for so many years with their former Mistress that they have
forgotten how to use them or more importantly, they never learned.
The Mature player, especially those with 30
or 40 years of experience didn't have the resources that explained the concepts of
"Safe, Sane and Consensual" play that we enjoy today. Edge play at it's
very finest. However that doesn't excuse or dismiss the need for safe words. On the
flip side of that coin players today are exposed to a wider variety of play than ever
before. Because of the Internet imaginations run wild. Everybody is eager to
try the hottest thing in suspension or fire and ice play; Japanese bondage, breath play
and other forms of "intense play". Because the mature player places
his life in YOUR hands You must be willing to stop the scene if needs be. How is
the mature player to know what is safe and sane without YOUR guidance? The Fear of
Failure has caused more injury than anything else. Safeword equals failure in the
minds of many. It is YOUR job to teach them that using a safeword is a POSITIVE
thing. Sometimes, in order to demonstrate that you the Dominant must safeword a
scene. Don't be afraid to do it.
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I have more physical limits now, such as not being able to
kneel for any extended period of time or sit on the floor at her feet for a long
time. I show my submission to my Mistress in the way I treat Her with respect and
honor. In public I walk slightly behind Her; I open doors; pull out her chair always
seating her first. All those little things that show respect. I try not to interfere with
her conversations with others. This is a problem for me sometimes and I have been punished
for speaking out of turn.
When I can, I take a lower position than she has. For
instance if we are sitting on her bed, I will tend to sit so that I may put my head on her
shoulder, or lay on my side or stomach to show my submission. This is a subject that we
are still working on and communicating about. I try to practice kneeling a little each day
and I am becoming a little more limber because of exercises that I try to remember to do
every day, but this is still a very limited activity.
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I am also exploring my dominate side and play as a Dom with a
lady that has mild and cerebral palsy and arthritis. We always talk about how each of us
is feeling and how her medications are affecting her on this day before we play.
I know from my own experience, and from what this lady has told me, that those of us that
face the possibility that this session could be the last one, play with great passion. We
tend to savor each sensation and we want to fly higher and longer. If by chance it
is the last trip, it should be worth remembering. I do not dwell on that, but it does lurk
in the back of my mind.
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**NOTE: To the new Domme
or Player.. Prior to ANY play, either with a client or a friend I submit them to
a full VISUAL and TACTILE inspection. I ask about every single scar and mark on
their body. I also inquire about health issues that may NOT appear to the naked
eye. In my opinion it is a good policy to inspect them. Do not be afraid to
have them bend over and spread their buttocks. Do not be afraid or embarrassed to
ask about this or that piece of flesh that seems to be distended. They know their
bodies and so should you. It has been my experience that most men that have some
type of physical problem won't volunteer the information for fear that you won't play with
them. Ask them. I have never rejected a person because of health issues.
I simply modify my style of play to suit their limitations.
Mistress Littlestar and Mr. James Shields
