The following FAQ will attempt to answer questions about parties, both private and semi-public. Some of the information will be based upon my own experience as the Co-Owner of the Overlook. Information particular to the Overlook will be colored. This is our policy and should not be taken as policy for other events and groups. ALWAYS check with the Host/Hostess for their rules and requirements.
I keep hearing about parties...
Are they real? Do people REALLY do this in real life ... ?
Yes they are real! People do do this in real life; its not fantasy. Parties are typically private, by invitation only and are held in private homes. There are also a number of "semi-public" events held all over the country.
I have never been to a party before. Will I be welcome... ?
Absolutely! The Overlook not only welcomes newcomers but encourages them to attend our events. The Overlook is gaining a reputation for being the best place to go if you're new to the scene. The Overlook family members (People who attend regularly) go out of their way to help make newcomers feel comfortable and welcome. They willingly share their knowledge with any and all who ask.
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How do I get invited to one ... ?
As the co-owner of the Overlook, our requirements have changed over the years. It used to be easy to get invited to an Overlook event. All you had to do was contact the host and say "Hey! I heard you were having a party and I want to come" and voila... instant invite! But now with more than 700+ people receiving our announcements via our own personal mailing list and/or hearing about our events via 3 other authorized lists, its become more difficult to be able to say "sure, come on along". Now we require references. A person wishing to attend an Overlook event needs to be able to say where or how they heard about us and who referred them to us. But this is just OUR criteria. Other hosts will have different requirements.
Most people contact me personally via e-mail or while I am on mIRC chatting in our local channel #bdsm-sfbay. If I have seen their name regularly in channel or if somebody else can vouch for them, I typically allow them to attend. We take great pride in being the best place for newcomers to experience their first party.
There are a number of semi-public parties being announced almost every single weekend in almost every major cosmopolitan area of the U.S. These events are more open and the only requirement to attend is that you send in a RSVP so that you can get your name on the door list. Almost all of these events will not allow "drop ins". You have to be on the list to get in.
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Where can I find more information about parties ... ?
I recommend doing a search on the internet using any search engine with the following keywords. "BDSM and YOUR CITY/STATE/TOWN and Events and Parties and Munches" or you can go to my events page where I have several links to other websites that list events, both munches and parties. http://www.malesubmission.com/assets/events.htm
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Who runs these things ... ?
Typically they are hosted by individuals and couples who are willing to open their homes to other like-minded folks. Again, these affairs are very private and not open to the public. In most cases, You'll need to know somebody to act as a reference or get your friend to contact the Host on your behalf.
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When is is appropriate for me to attend an event like this ... ?
There is no appropriate time for you to attend an event. Its whenever YOU feel ready to take that first step into the world of "real" BDSM and D/s events. My recommendation is to attend a small, private get together. By attending a smaller gathering of people, you'll be able to chat, mingle, meet others in a more relaxed environment. The larger events held at semi-public dungeon spaces can be attended by as many as 300 people. This can be very over-whelming to a newcomer and chances are you'll just stand around feeling shy and awkward and unhappy.
On the other hand, a larger event will also afford you some anonymity if all you want to do is observe quietly. My recommendation is to hook up with somebody and meet them there.
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How old must I be to attend ... ?
You must be over the age of 18 and in some states, 21. If you look younger be prepared to show your ID. If you do not have an ID you will probably not be allowed entrance.
You must be over the age of 18. If you look younger be prepared to show your ID. If you do not have an ID you will not be allowed to attend. Even though we do not serve alcohol there is still the matter of "corrupting a minor" and we do not want to get into trouble for that.
What is the dress code ... ?
Some events require you to be dressed in some type of fetish wear while others do not. People who attend events such as The Erotica Ball will almost always arrive in fetish wear. Its part of the reason they attend. Where else can they go dressed in PVC, Latex, Leather, etc. and strut their stuff in public? For some parties fetish wear is of course always welcome but it is not required. Wear whatever you feel comfortable in.
You'll discover that a great number of private parties held in private homes will require you to arrive in street clothes and change into your favorite fetish wear once you're inside the home. Be sure to check with your host on this issue.
For us, we tell our guests that they may not arrive in fetish wear. We live in a quiet family residential area and as such feel it would be an intrusion upon their rights to expose them unnecessarily to our lifestyle. Failure to adhere to this rule will result in permanent banning from our events.
Again, check with the Host and/or Hostess of the event for their dress code requirements.
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Who attends these types of parties ... ?
Many parties are gender or play orientation specific. In other words they might be oriented towards the FemDomme/Male Submissive and vice versa or Women Only, Men Only, etc. Some parties are "themed"... Goth wear only, PVC/Latex only, etc.
Castlebar for example, located in San Francisco, provides the play space to a variety of groups. Parties held here are by invitation only but you don't necessarily need a reference to attend. You do however need to be on a mailing list to receive the information about upcoming events to be held there. You can check out Castlebar at: www.castlebar.com
The Overlook welcomes Men and Women from all walks of life attend the Overlook parties. Heterosexual, Gay, Lesbian, Transgendered, Cross-Dressers, Dom/mes, Submissives, Tops and Bottoms... EVERYBODY is welcome regardless of their orientation.
Contrary to popular belief... the Overlook parties are NOT FemDomme oriented. A lot of people assume they are because Mistress Littlestar is the main organizer of the events but they are not. The Overlook parties are hosted by KevinG and Mistress Littlestar.
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What if I don't have anybody to come with ... ?
Check with the Host/Hostess to make sure its okay to attend their party by yourself. Most private parties will be happy to let you attend especially if they know you are new to the scene and want to meet other like-minded individuals.
Come alone. You'll still be welcome. The Overlook is just not a play space. Its also a great social event. Single men and women attend the Overlook to meet other like-minded individuals like yourself.
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What if I don't want to play ... ?
Play is NOT mandatory. If somebody approaches you about playing simply say No. The more experienced people understand that saying No today doesn't mean No forever.
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What happens at this kind of event ... ?
Private parties are a great place to introduce yourself to other people in your area. Some people will play while others will watch and chat. This is a great way to familiarize yourself with party etiquette and dungeon rules. You'll be able to ask about techniques, play styles, share information that YOU possess.
The Overlook parties are a great mix of socializing and playing. Not everybody plays at our events. Almost everybody socializes however. Play is not mandatory, nor is scene-watching. A lot of times, folks will attend simply to meet new people, hook up with old friends, or just lay around the pool taking advantage of the sun and cool water. Oh, and of course, EAT! We put out a great spread! Nobody EVER goes home hungry!
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Can I bring friends ... ?
Not without prior approval of the Host/Hostess. Many of us provide food and beverages and shop according to our guest lists. To bring friends without permission is rude and inconsiderate.
Yes provided that you send in an RSVP for them and we're not overbooked. Last minute additions can sometimes be accommodated but do not bring a guest without prior approval from Star or Kevin.
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I've never played before. What do I do if somebody asks ... ?
Again, play is NOT mandatory and if you're not comfortable playing, say so. Nobody will take it personally if you say "thanks but no thanks".
If you're new to both BDSM and the Overlook ask the person for a reference from somebody at the party. Or ask Kevin or Star if they know the person. Don't worry about offending the person who is asking you to play. Chances are they will be impressed by your display of common sense. With the very few exceptions to this rule, most of the Overlook people know one another quite well and would be more than happy to provide you with a reference about somebody. Next negotiate your scene. Ask EXACTLY what kind of play they want to do with you. Ask to see the toys they want to use. Or if you have your own toys that you'd prefer to have used on you, say so. Set your limits. Things that you are willing to do or not do. Again, don't be shy. Experienced players will ask what your limits are but if they too are relatively new they might forget to ask in the excitement of the moment. If you are unsure of how to negotiate your scene find Kevin or Star and they'll be happy to sit in with you and your potential play partner during the negotiations. The number one rule regardless of your play orientation: YOU are responsible for YOUR safety.
There are a variety of ways in which to negotiate your scene. Check out these links for more information regarding scene negotiation.
Online Links Dr. Bondage's Negotiation Form Scene Negotiation Form written by Jay Wiseman with addendum by Domina
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Will I get laid ... ?
Some private parties are geared towards the sexual side of BDSM and D/s, combining swinging with BDSM. Others are aimed more at the S&M aspects, while still others may focus more on D/s. Chances are however if this is your first event, you probably won't.
Probably not. The Overlook parties tend to be more erotically S&M oriented and most folks don't indulge in classic P/V sex. Although there is a great deal of touching, orgasm control and dildo play, its rare that you see anybody having outright sex.
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Will there be sex for me to watch ... ?
Same answer as above. The Overlook parties don't seem to draw the same type of people that might attend the Edgewater for example. Although sexual and intimate contact is permissible, for some reason it just doesn't happen here to often. That's not to say that it won't some day. Wankers are really not welcome at the Overlook. In other words, if you're coming to an Overlook party with the hopes of watching a hot scene and jacking off ala P.E., you'll be in for a major disappointment and you'll probably be asked to either stop touching yourself or leave.
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Is this a swingers party ... ?
No. People do not attend the Overlook parties in order to get laid. They come to play, socialize, meet new people and beat on folks. Often times you'll see a couple arrive together and play separately with others. This is about as close to "swinging" as you'll see at the Overlook.
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Party FAQ written by Mistress Littlestar
Copyright © 2001 Celebrate Male Submission.
All rights reserved.
Revised: October 18, 2007