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A newcomer to BDSM
recently contacted me about scheduling a session. During our
conversations he brought up the point that my site, though fairly
well-done had a major flaw. There was NO information about the Whats
and Hows of a session. The following is a list of
questions that he asked BEFORE our session and my answers to them via
E-mail.
Following this is a more thoughtful FAQ created
by the same person AFTER our session. Some of the questions and
answers may be repeated.
| Is
there any charge for a pre-session meeting as you recommend
for newcomers? |
No. I do not
charge for time spent outside of the dungeon.
However you will be required to pick up the lunch or
dinner tab.
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| What is
correct dress, is formal required or casual ok? |
Casual dress is perfect.
Since you will probably end up without any clothes on, no
sense in "over dressing".
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| What is the correct
way to give the donation? Cash in an envelope, check, credit
card? |
Each Domina is different so I
can't speak for them. For me, I do not accept
checks or credit cards. I typically ask the client to
leave the tribute on a shelf in my dungeon. Unlike
most, I do not expect to be paid up front. Unless
we've already agreed upon an
extended session, at the end of the initial 60 minutes I
will stop and advise you that you are at your time limit.
At this point you will need to make a decision. I
suggest that you come prepared for a minimum of one extra
hour. The clock doesn't start until AFTER we are in the
dungeon.
My rates are clearly posted on my
web page and the client is reminded to review the session
rules and rates before coming to see me. I don't bargain
and I don't haggle over my rates. They're far below San
Francisco market rates and have been the same for the past
3 years.
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| What happens when
we meet? Do we talk first and then what? |
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Since I'm the
"chatty" sort of Domme, I almost ALWAYS talk
first! And if you're a newcomer then this is the time for
you to ask questions. I do not expect you to march straight
into the dungeon without having a bit of time to relax,
drink a cup of coffee or water and go to the bathroom.
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| Okay... we're in
the dungeon now what? |
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You will be instructed to disrobe and to hang up your
clothes in a garment bag. (I am a smoker and though I try
and keep the dungeon smoke free it does seep in. Putting
your clothes into the garment bag helps reduce the smoke
exposure)
After you've disrobed I will do a physical inspection of
your body. I am looking for marks, bruises, large moles,
surgical scars and the like. If you have scars I will ask
about them. This inspection helps me know what your body
looks like BEFORE I hit it ) Or if you cannot be marked then
I know what marks you already have and I won't panic. This
is also the time that I ask you about medical conditions,
allergies to things like leather, latex, rabbit fur and also
if you have any phobias like blindfolds, gags, etc.
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| What if I think I
am coming close to cumming? Do I warn you about it? Say stop? |
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If you don't want the
session to end prematurely I would! As we all know, once a
male cums, he's pretty much done. So... yes please warn me.
And besides... cumming is NOT allowed until I say so!
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| Do I always address
you as Mistress or wait till the session begins? |
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During the inspection
you will be asked what title you would prefer using.
"Mistress", "Ma'am", "Star"...
Once you've selected one, that will be the one you will be
required to use at all times.
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| What comes first,
do we work our way up the intensity scale? I am bound to be
nervous? |
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Newcomers are always
invited to explore the dungeon. Take a toy off the wall,
fondle it, swing it, hit themselves with it... ask questions
about it. I do not expect a person to play to my level. I
always play to theirs and then build up slowly to a point
where it is comfortable for them. I always check in with
them to see how they're doing.
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The following text was created by the
same person who wrote the above questions
AFTER our session together. Other than a few spelling
and grammar corrections, I’ve pretty much left his original text
unchanged. There will be footnotes at the end of this Q&A added by
myself.
| I
am really nervous about this, what comes first? |
Never done anything like this
before. I had given the first meeting a lot of thought; I
was really nervous. I had checked her website and the male
submission site to learn about the rules and make sure this
was for me.
I had emailed Mistress
Littlestar and filled out a questionnaire she had sent me;
we had chatted briefly online and then I called her on the
telephone. I was nervous, stammering on the phone but she
reminded nothing bad was going to happen. Just relax, be
polite, be courteous and be honest when talking to her.
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| What is
correct dress, formal or causal? |
I finally scheduled a session
with Mistress Littlestar and wasn't sure about a lot of
things. One of them was what to wear. Ms. Star just told be
to be comfortable and that casual dress was OK.
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| How do
I give the donation? |
Another question I
thought might be awkward was how to leave the donation. The
rates are posted clearly on her website but I wasn't sure
how to give it. Cash in envelope placed on a table in her
dungeon was the way she wanted it
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| What
happens when we meet? |
This was the big
question. I had lots of time to think about this, and wonder
what will happen. During the drive to her home my heart
raced as I wondered what she would do first, or what I was
supposed to do first. This was my first time and I didn't
want to make a mistake. When I arrived the very first thing
we did was talk! Mistress Littlestar and Mistress Brandy sat
down with me and we talked about my experiences and
interests. They probably saw my hands tremble as I sipped a
glass of water and took the time to allow me to settle down.
They helped remove fears and doubts about what would happen
next, answering any question I had. I felt much more relaxed
and at ease after our conversation. We went over what the
session would entail including the rules and safewords. 1
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| What is
a session like? |
With the rules and a
plan for the session we headed into the dungeon. The first
thing Mistress Littlestar did was just show me around. She
showed me some of the equipment (toys?) she and Mistress
Brandy would use and answered any questions I had about
them. Next I was told to undress and to hang up my clothes
in the closet. I was given an examination to look for marks
and scars on my body. Mistress Brandy did this so they would
know what marks were from them and which ones were already
there. I really didn't want any long lasting visible marks
so they wanted to check what was already there.
Mistress Littlestar and Mistress
Brandy had decided on a session based on my beginner status
and my interests. First up was some tight arm bondage using
some webbing.
Next, I was given a collar to wear
with a lead. It felt great and then they tried some flogging
on my cock. After a while Mistress Littlestar asked if I
wanted to try clothespins on my nipples and cock. This was
something I wasn't sure I could handle, but she went slowly
and I was surprised to find three clothespins resting on my
cock and one on each nipple. She had put them on without
much pain and I was happy to find out I could do it.
Next was a long but incredible
tickling session with me stretched spread eagle and tied to
the bed. Mistress Littlestar introduced me to a game called
"Mercy". The rules were simple; cry out the word
"Mercy" and whatever was going on would stop.
However there was a multiplier associated with its use; in
my case it was 3. I was required to keep track of how many
times I used the word.
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They would tickle me
until I couldn’t stand it much longer and forced to cry
for mercy to end the tickling! It was awesome! In between
the tickling, the flogging and what ever else there were
always sensations...rabbit fur on the skin, a fingernail on
my nipples... the slapper on my cock.
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The sensation play was a great contrast to the sting of
paddle or slap on the butt.
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After the tickle play
I had to pay up for all those times I cried out for mercy! I
ended up owing each mistress 42 spankings! This was my first
over-the-knee (OTK) spanking and it was fantastic too.
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This was followed by
my first experience with the paddle. It stings more than the
hand, it feels a little scarier, but Mistress Littlestar has
a way with the paddle. There were times when the paddling
sensation was turning more into a burning and I was just
ready to say Yellow as a safeword, and she had already
stopped. She knew by watching my body when I had enough and
was able to keep it pleasant for me as a beginner.
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After the paddling was
an introduction to cock and ball torture where Mistress
Brandy and Mistress Littlestar took turns tying my cock up.
The sensation was unique and I was glad I asked them to do
it.
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The last part of the
session was a flogging on my back. I ended without any
lasting marks and able to drive home which was one of my
dumb fears that I had had driving to her home!
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| What
happens if something feels wrong or I don't like what is
happening? |
You tell Mistress
Littlestar immediately if there is something wrong! During
my session when I was tied up to the bed, my left hand
started to go numb. I told her and she fixed the binding,
and checked all the others to make sure I was OK. She
stopped what they were doing immediately!
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She cared about my
safety and wanted to make sure I was OK. Both Mistress
Littlestar and Mistress Brandy had to remind more than once
to keep breathing, I guess I was trying to hold my breath or
such. They keep a keen eye on you during the session to make
sure you are doing OK. If something is not going OK, or you
do not like what is happening to you, say so!
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| What
will we do? |
What happens in the
session is based on your experience and what you want to do.
I had filled out a questionnaire sent by Mistress
Littlestar, talked to her on the phone about what I wanted,
and then we talked again before we went into the dungeon. I
had a couple of taboo areas (limits) that included no anal
play and no needles. She honored my limits.
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Before the session
started She told Mistress Brandy there was no anal play with
me and that set me more at ease, knowing things I was afraid
of or did not like were not going to be included. The level
of intensity was for a beginner and she kept it easy and
gentle.
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| Does it
hurt? Will I be able to go home OK? |
I was wondering about
this all the time. Mistress Littlestar told me over the
phone pain is bad, she doesn't do pain. And she is right.
Paddling hurts, but it isn't blindingly painful. Yes, it’s
intense. But I didn't scream out in agony (thank God, she
would have thought I was a wuss).2 It
is more a sensation, an intense sensation to say the least
but good.
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| Anything
else I should know? |
When the session
ended, Mistress Littlestar and Mistress Brandy talked to me
for a while, to get my opinion on how I thought things went.
Checked to see if I didn't like anything they did, what I
liked the best and an overall view of the session. They made
sure my glassy eyes had cleared and that I was OK to drive
home. Mistress Littlestar asked I send her an email to make
sure I got home safe and sound. I think the most important
thing is to be honest when your talking about a session. If
you are beginner, say so. If you have a desire to be tickled
say so. You will enjoy the session more and the Mistress
will enjoy the session as well. It is a win-win situation if
you are honest about yourself and what you want.
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| 1:
SAFEWORDS |
| Safewords what are
they? How are they used? Safewords are a set of code words that
allow the participants a way of letting their partners know if
they are in trouble, need a moment to process sensations, get
their breath back or are "good to go."In my house I
use "Red, Yellow and Green" just like the traffic
signals. They have the same meanings as well. Red means STOP.
When a person uses "Red" It means that the session is
over. There will be conversation afterwards about what happened
but the session will not resume. Do NOT use the word Red unless
you are serious about ending the session. Do not test a Dom/me
to see if he/she will honour the safe word. They won't be amused
by it.
Yellow, like the traffic signal
means, "slow down" or proceed with caution. In my
house, yellow can be used to signify a hair being pulled; or a
rope is too tight or it means that you need a moment to process
a sensation. It’s NOT a bad thing. Safewords are there for
your protection as well as mine. I do not require formal use of
the word "yellow" to indicate that you need me to
stop. Do not hesitate to say 'Ma'am there is one hair caught and
it's driving me nuts!" or "Yellow! That last stroke
was a bit much!"
Green. Means that you are good to
go! Oftentimes I will ask, "What color are you?" and
if you're having fun and everything is still okay you need to
respond with "Green". This tells me that you're okay
with everything that we've done and we're doing. In short...Safewords
are NOT a sign of failure. In my house they are a sign of trust
and respect. By you using a safeword, you show me that you are
willing to help me be the best Domme for you by helping me to
learn your limits and your reactions to the things that I am
doing to you. There is NO SHAME in using a safeword.
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| 2. Wuss |
| Crying out does NOT
make you a wuss. If anything it only adds to the energy between
us. Many of us feel that moans, tears, whimpers, giggles etc.,
add to the scene. It also pays us great homage. It tells us
without words, that you trust us with those very hidden, but
very real emotions. That you feel safe with us to let them out.
NEVER ever think that expression of this type makes you a wuss.
It doesn’t. At least not to me! |
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